Cooking with Saint Dane
by InachiSasuke
Summary: I must be a sick puppy to mess with this master piece of a series...woof
1. Tang Leg

_**And now, ladies and gentleman, here's the host of our show…SAINT DANE!!**_

(Crowd cheers wildly as "Applause" sign lights up)

"Good afternoon everyone. I'm Saint Dane. Current ruler of Halla known by Figgis, Eugene, Mallos, Po Nassi, Harlow, Whitney Wilcox, and many other aliases. Today is a very special day. Anybody know why?"

(Crowd murmurs in confusion as "Why?" sign lights up)

"That's right! Today we're going to be making fresh tang patties marinated in Snigger."

(Crowd cheers, though confused, not knowing what these things are)

"First, we need the fresh tang! Nevva, bring in the fresh tang, please!"

(Crowd gasps as the tang is wrangled into the room)

"Now we just…ah! That's it! Now, once you've beheaded your tang, you just pick the part you want to cook and move on from there. I want you all to see this, so I'm going to use the leg."

(Several crowd members gag as the leg comes off)

"Ah, well…it appears tangs have quite a lot of blood, so we'll be right back!"

_**Having a rough day at work? Wish you could just make those pesky desk talkers disappear? Well now you can! All you need is your very own "Traveler" Ring, although you won't be doing the traveling! Just pay three easy payments of 19.95 for your Traveler Ring today!**_

(Crowd applauds as the show continues)

"And we're back, ladies and gentlemen. Now, once you've gotten your leg and cleaned up the mess, you put it in a well greased roasting pan. Place it in the oven and tell it to cook lightly for 25 minutes."

(Scratching noises as crowd take notes)

"After 25 minutes, take out your tang leg, then add the Snigger. The result will be _this_."

(Crowd oohs and aahs at the tang leg)

"And there you have it: a tang leg marinated in Snigger! Now, I hope you took notes, because you all have exactly 30 minutes to cook enough tang to feed a family of Denduron quigs. Good luck!"

(Crowd shrieks and panics as Saint Dane turns into a raven and flies away)

_**Thank you for watching "Cooking with Saint Dane"! Tune in next time to see the Master create "Fricassee Cloral Quigs"! **_


	2. Fricassee Cloral Quig

Announcer: Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to another rousing episode of "Cooking with Saint Dane"! And heeeere's your host, the one, the only, the shape-shifting madman himself, Saint DAAAAAANE!

(APPLAUSE sign lights up, audience mumbles slightly)

Saint Dane: Hello, everyone! I see you got on alright with the quig bears and the tang legs. Well, as I promised, today we'll be making Fricassee Cloral Quig!

(Crowd murmurs in approval)

Man 1: At least the quig is dead this time!

Saint Dane:…Yes, well, the quig first needs to be stuffed. Our kind outspoken audience member can be that stuffing. Throw him in the tank!

Man 1: What? Wait, no!

(Man gets thrown in tank. Audience cheers at violence)

Saint Dane: Now, we'll have to wait 15-20 minutes for this young gentleman to digest before we can gut the quig, so please enjoy this message!

**HELLOOOOO, HALLA! ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLE THE FLUMES WITH MISUSE?! WELL, COME ON DOWN TO THE ABANDONED SUBWAY IN NEW YORK CITY FOR THE WILDEST RIDE IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!**

Note, using the flumes in such a way can result in your imminent death if you aren't first plowed down by a train.

Saint Dane: And we're back! The quig has been gutted and we're ready to fill it with diced garlic and carrots. Would anyone like to lend me a hand?

(Audience member tosses prosthetic hand to Saint Dane)

Saint Dane:…ah, well, you were supposed to stay _away_ from the quig bear…Now, one you've added the garlic and carrots, or any vegetable of your choosing, you slice the quig into four pieces…

(Audience gasped as the quig gets sliced into four pieces)

Saint Dane:…and put the slices in the oven for about an hour. Now, we already have a done one for you, but I'm going to show you what would happen if you were to fry a piece of Cloral quig….

(Explosion)

Announcer: And that concludes this weeks episode of "Cooking with Saint Dane"! Tune in next time to see what quigs you can and can't fry!


End file.
